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Conrad Burns
Former Montana Senator Burns is a resident of Mizooruh who was elected US Senator from Montana because none of the 62 residents of the state wanted to replace Mike Mansfield after he retired from the Senate at the age of 208. Burns is only the second Republican elected to the Senate from Montana, but that's because Mansfield, a Democrat, served for 32 six-year terms before retiring. Burns (then known as Sen. Palpatine) trained under Alaska Senator and Sith Lord Ted Stevens when he arrived in Washington. He learned much, including that the internet is not a truck, that it is in fact a series of tubes. He was defeated in 2006 by "Jon Tester", a genetically engineered clone of Brian Schweitzer. Biography Burns first visited Montana as a donkey auctioneer. He sold off so many donkeys that the once-common species came close to extinction in Montana. Feral elephants and bears took over most of the donkey grazing land in the state, at least until Ted Turner bought the state and turned it into a vast buffalo breeding ground. Burns then became a clown on a famous (in Montana, at least) morning children's' program that was shown on most of the state's backyard "TV" stations. Burns left the morning show when he was given a breakthrough role on the hit Fox series, The Simpsons. Nonetheless, he still sometimes adopts his well-known clown persona when giving TV interviews or wandering through airports. The liberal media in Montana often print statements made by the Burns clown persona as if they were real quotes from their Senator. This happens because all of the newspapers in Montana are actually printed in Alberta, Canada, a notorious liberal hell-hole (ie, Canadian province). It took Burns many years to figure out that the name of the river that flows through most of the state is "Muh-zer-ee" and not "Mi-zoo-ruh". He was elected to the Senate only after he had figured that out. Even when he did slip up after having a few high balls, a lot of people in Montana thought Burns was saying "Missoula" when he muttered "Mizooruh," but they voted for him anyway. Abramoff relationship Burns is "married" but often takes trips with his longtime companion, Jack Abramoff. Conrad and Jack appeared to have a bit of a falling out during the 2006 election campaign. At one point Burns cried, "I wish I never woulda met the guy. I wish he woulda never been born." Although full details of the deteriorating relationship were never discovered, it is thought that Burns became upset when his friend moved to Florida where he started a literary career. Abramoff had once been a constant companion, escorting Burns to the best restaurants in Washington, to "golfing" outings, and offering him prime seats at various bachanalian events (eg, Redskins games). Abramoff was the "sugar daddy" in the relationship, giving Burns millions during their time together. "Reporters" in Montana speculated that Burns had started drinking heavily after the breakup. He tended to fall into his old clown persona more often if he'd been drinking. 2006 Election Burns faced a tough campaign during the 2006 election. He was trying for a fourth term in the Senate. Montanans had never before sent a Republican to the Senate for more than two terms. Democrats (as some gun-toting folks in Montana call themselves) picked Jon Tester, a fat organic dental-floss farmer, to run against Burns. "Y'all're jokin' with me, right?" said Burns when first introduced to Tester at a debate in Hamilton. "Y'all don't think this guy can beat me, do ya?" Poles and Hungarians predicted throughout the race that Tester would win it. (The Irish in Butte predicted that Tester would be carried to Washington on a golden chariot by St. Mike Mansfield.) But on the weekend before the election, the Poles started to change their mind. A barrage of negative ads from Burns that called Tester "Nancy" convinced the Poles that Burns might have a shot at it. In the end, however, Burns fell short, getting 30 votes to Tester's 32. Montana's Secretary of State declared Tester the "likely winner" even before official results were certified. Slow to concede Burns was having none of it. "This is my office," he insisted. "I earned it! All that stuff I had to do for Jack -- and he just abandons me. Damn that bastard. I know how Anna Nicole must feel." "F**k y'all," Burns bellowed at a roomful of Montana's three reporters, "Ol' two-fingers reference to Tester's mangled left hand oughta know that he ain't the only one's got guns. "I ain't gonna let that bastard take my office in Washington. The bastard's a hick, I tell ya," Burns thundered. Burns threatened to move "back home" to Missouri if somebody didn't "fix things" right away. The reporters, who had restrained themselves throughout the campaign, burst into applause. Facing reality Burns showed up again at the same office the next day to face a single reporter this time around. He was wearing a newly purchased flannel shirt that still had a Wal-Mart tag hanging from the back collar and stiff blue jeans. It appeared to be an awkward immitation of one of the getups that Tester wears comfortably. "OK. Fine. Let'm have it. I don't give a good goddamn." He picked up a shotgun from behind the podium. The reporter raced for the door. "Settle down, ya' goddamn pansy!" Burns said. "I'm goin' huntin'" He picked up the gun awkwardly, pointing the barrell to his head. The reporter rushed out the door.